Metamorphosis.

“a great change in appearance or character”

Merriam Webster 

Well, since I began my journey with clinical depression my own metamorphosis has dramatically affected my life. I now live daily with two opposing lifestyles. One is healthy, upbeat, funny, energetic, a contributing member of society and an enjoyable companion. The other me is overly tired, lackluster, unmotivated, melancholy and not much fun to be around. I don’t even want to be around me when I am in this phase.

What is the cause of this dichotomy? Medicine? Hormones? Diet? Sleep? Circumstances? God? Satan? Family? Finances? Weather? Chemical disconnect? Aging? Escapism? Old habits? False beliefs? Poor boundaries?

Pick one or two. Pick all of them. Pick none of them. I am clueless. I have seemingly zero power or control to stop myself from flipping from one persona to the other. I apparently have no control over how long each phase remains and how quickly or slowly the transformation time takes.

The transition takes effect at night while I sleep. It is made evident to me when I wake up. Will it be a day filled with people, errands, a to-do list and a zest for life OR is it going to be one of those days where I have to muster up enough energy just to get out of bed to use the bathroom. Where my eyelids are super glued shut. It feels like my body has been tied down to my bed with huge chains. I become aware that my arms are feeble and weak. I am watching my life in slow motion.

The more sleep I get, the more sleep I need. Do I want to continue sleeping 15-20 hours a day? No. I like my active lifestyle and have no desire to run and hide. Missing events that I enjoy, because I am too exhausted to even get dressed, is very upsetting to me. My mind goes numb and instead of depleting all my energy by trying to think, I realize that it is much easier to succumb to other options like falling back to sleep.

Something is terribly wrong. Who do I go to for help? Family doctor? Sleep doctor? Life Coach? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Ob/Gyn doctor? I have more medical people on my contacts list than I do friends!

These past few ‘quiet’ days have led to the asking of some good questions but it has also provided a stage for the return of my old mindset’s as well. When I am low, it is a scary time for me because I am aware that my thinking patterns are not truthful or healthy. It is easy for me to get on myself for allowing this journey to take so long. Eleven years should have been a sufficient amount of time for me to have obtained the upper hand with this illness.

The hopelessness of life is real and is easy to validate. It is a moment by moment battle. I am clinging on to the hope that one day soon God will finally remove this shroud of darkness that continually hovers over me.

A verse in Ecclesiastes came to my mind and so I started to read what I thought was one of the shorter books of the Bible. Come to find out it actually has 12 chapters! I discovered that rereading this book, while in a different “mind frame,” was very enlightening. God used the following verse to speak to me.

Ecc. 6:12
“For who knows what is good for a man during his lifetime, during the few years of his futile life? He will spend them like a shadow. For who can tell a man what will be after him under the sun?”

This is what God was saying to me. “Why have you been in such a hurry to move on to the next step in your life? Do you not understand that where you are now, growing, healing, learning and becoming mold-able, is EXACTLY where I want you to be. Stop thinking that you will only become useful to My Kingdom AFTER you have finished your current journey with clinical depression and child abuse. I am demonstrating through your ‘story’ how things meant for evil can bring Me glory. Allow Me to change your MESS into your MESSAGE. A message of hope and healing.”

So, bring on year #12…I am good to go!